Journey to Freedom

My journey to being a free woman began on a cool October day in Michigan. I had attempted to quit smoking many times since I was 30 years old. I am now 60. I tried (several times each) nicotine patches, Chantix, hypnosis, group therapy and acupuncture. All with no success. Matter of a fact, each time I did not succeed in quitting, the nicotine addiction grew in strength. It greatly affected my self esteem by making me feel weak and helpless. These characteristics are not part of my being. I take pride in knowing I can always face adverse situations in my life, and for those I love, with strength and determination. The opposite was true when facing my own nicotine addiction.

I realized I would have to have assistance from some professional organization. But what? The first thing I learned was that my health insurance would not cover the expense for treatment because they deemed nicotine not to be a drug. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. Although my budget is limited, I continued looking for treatment centers, in house treatment centers, because I knew for me to stop smoking I would have to have 24 hour support. I kept coming up against a wall. There were in-house treatment centers for every other addiction, (alcohol, drugs, sexual abuse, etc.) but only two possibilities for treating nicotine addiction. I found the Mayo Clinic on the internet. It was located in a nearby state. The second one was recommended by a person who received training with Murray Kelly, Director of the Tobacco Healing Centre near Ottawa. Both had an in-house treatment program.

First, I called the Mayo Clinic. During this phone conversation, I immediately became disheartened. I learned the cost was excessive, the program sounded very similar to group therapy sessions I had already attempted, the access to follow-up support was limited to a computer program, and there were some questions about the program continuing to be in existence by the time my name came up on their “waiting list”. Without much hope, I added my name to the list.

I called the second, and last one, of the list of two. A soft and gentle voice answered. I quickly shared my history of attempts in smoking cessation and my concerns for treatment with him. Professor Kelly briefly described his years of success in treating nicotine addiction. I started to feel comfortable speaking with him when he separated the addiction from me.

I was told the next 10-day treatment program would begin in about three weeks. I received phone calls during this time from Prof. Kelly. Our conversation was always personalized. He shared in greater detail, how his program worked. He listened carefully to my concerns and responded directly to them. I was beginning to feel this may truly be a possibility. I applied for a passport, just in case.

The next two weeks were geared toward getting ready for the trip. Physical preparations, such as making travel arrangements, creating an expense budget and receiving my passport were on my list. Mental preparations were more difficult. Putting myself in a situation which would not be totally under my control was extremely frightening. Fears of excessive irritability with others, of giving up after the first day of treatment, and of disappointing my family became daily adversaries. I began an internal dialogue of contradictions. I knew I was fighting for my life but I also entertained the thought of canceling at any time before I got on the plane.

The reality of fighting for my life won the argument and I did get on the plane. I arrived in Ottawa six hours later. Prof. Kelly was at the airport to welcome me. His warm smile and hug gave me the positive sign I needed. He even found me a lighter so I could have a smoke in the parking lot. We picked up some nicotine patches and an inhaler on the way to a bed and breakfast in Arnprior, about 45 minutes from the airport.

I was shown to my beautiful room by the kind owner of Kirkland House, Ellen Smith. I started seeing this adventure as a “working” vacation. It truly helped to know I would have this friendly and supportive environment for the next ten days. Before leaving for the evening, Prof. Kelly asked me if I wanted to quit tomorrow or the next day. I was a little surprised to have the choice. Without thinking much, I said tomorrow.

That night I walked downtown to a small Chinese restaurant and had dinner. I smoked all the way there and back. I got back to my room about 8:00 p.m. I tried to write in my journal and watch t.v. I grabbed my smokes and went out to the porch. All I could think about was tomorrow morning. How would I get through tomorrow morning without at least one cigarette? I smoked some more, as if I could store it up.

The morning came too soon. I stayed in bed trying to avoid that first step in my recovery. Prof. Kelly was to meet me in the dining room for breakfast at 8:00 a.m. I begrudgingly showered and got dressed. I thought, “O.K., Judy, you are fighting for your life. At least get to the breakfast table!”

The first day was rough. I followed Prof. Kelly’s advice: Medicate as needed. Smoking is not an option. I found I needed two patches that first day and frequent use of the inhaler. I still had urges but they were surprisingly manageable. I didn’t feel bad about using that many patches because I was not smoking for the first time in 44 years! I knew I could cut back on those later. I didn’t smoke for one whole day! I was ecstatic.

The first five days were dedicated to detoxing. Prof. Kelly was available at any time to listen to my fears and symptoms of withdrawal. It truly helped to have this nonjudgmental person to speak with openly.  I learned many new tools to help ease the nicotine withdrawal. Journaling my thoughts and dreams were very beneficial. Discussions, smudging, breathing techniques, good nutrition, exercise, and meditation became some of my daily activities. In other words, for the first time ever, the day was focused on my well-being.

Self-pride and inner strength was beginning to emerge. I was feeling more positive and lighter in spirit. I felt confident in winning the arguments with “the cigarette” in my mind. I knew I still had challenges ahead of me, but I felt I had tools I could easily employ. I was eager to learn more from Prof. Kelly.

For the next five days, a combination of applying the tools taught and new aspects of healing were introduced. He explained the physical changes I was having with my healing body. It was all a good sign. I believed I was making progress.

On a few of our last treatment days together, we visited an addiction treatment center in Renfrew.  It was there that I truly learned how similar my addiction battles were with others’ experiences. I witnessed, and became engaged in, a mutual respect for others in need. I learned the great lesson of how helping/listening with others can help in my own rehabilitation.

It was at one of these day-long meetings in Renfrew that Prof. Kelly generously shared his own Walk of Life with us. We each were encouraged to respond to what we had witnessed. How magnificent the human spirit! The joys and sorrows shared live with me today. I became increasingly interested in doing my own Walk of Life, but still felt guarded about my past. One gentleman expressed an interest in my doing it.

The next, and last, time came when we would meet with the wonderful men in Renfrew. The morning was focused on helping one man in particular. He is a gentle and caring man that deserves the best. I hope he realizes his struggles are also my own. Then, in the afternoon the group met and shared our progress, our doubts, our concerns, and our futures. The room was filled with genuine concern for each other. Towards the end of the discussions, I gathered enough nerve to ask if the gentleman  and others were still interested in my Walk of Life. I’ll never forget what he said. “Don’t take anything with you. This is where you can leave it!” So I did share my walk; while I was sitting. I was still resistant and was still learning how to share myself. But the sincere interest from this man, and others, in my “story” gave it value I have never experienced before. I will always be grateful to this man of kindness. I hope he realizes the tremendous load lifted from my heart that day.

Healing the whole self is the key. The addiction originally formed to serve a purpose. And as Prof. Kelly often stated, “Thank the cigarettes for getting you this far. But let them know they are killing you and they must go.” When I understood how smoking was not something “out there” affecting my life, but something I was carrying with me in the false sense of easing my life, I knew I had to break the walls. The walls, I thought that were protecting me from harm were in reality limiting my experiences to the beauty in the world and the humans inhabiting it.

With loving farewells, I returned home. My husband’s open arms told me I was back with a new future for the two of us. I was so overwhelmingly grateful for the healing powers so generously shared with me in Canada, that I cried in my husband’s arms in the airport. I didn’t care what others around us thought. It was time to express my feelings. I learned that from Murray Kelly.

Today is my 30th day without a cigarette! I’m feeling more confident than ever. When any doubts cross my thoughts, I remember this is a process. There is no such thing as failure. I remember and use all the tools taught me. I have frequent conversations with Prof. Kelly as he continues to support my progress. I see my family in a new and positive light. I look forward to my growing in spirit and am eager to share this “enlightenment” with others. Life at 60 has just begun!