I’ve smoked a pack a day for 15 years. I’ve tried seriously to quit smoking a few times but have never really felt confident that I could ever make it. Each time my friend would say, “Keep going, learn from the setbacks.” Easy for him to say. He really cares for me and I respect him for quitting 4 years ago, but I feel different, more vulnerable.

Then one day about 7 months ago he mentioned that there are more treatment options now available than ever before to help me stop smoking “What have you got to lose?”

So I went to see my doctor. I have always been scared that she looked down on me because I smoked, so I had a hard time getting around to the real reason I was there. Finally she said that if I wanted to try stopping smoking she could start me on a treatment program to help me. She wanted me to come back to see her regularly so we could monitor my progress.

It was hard but not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Talking to my doctor has helped me a lot. The cravings are manageable and my anger is far less than before. Now with 9 weeks under my belt I’ve developed some confidence that maybe, just maybe I can become free of tobacco for the first time since I was 11.

Journey to Freedom

My journey to being a free woman began on a cool October day in Michigan. I had attempted to quit smoking many times since I was 30 years old. I am now 60. I tried (several times each) nicotine patches, Chantix, hypnosis, group therapy and acupuncture. All with no success. Matter of a fact, each time I did not succeed in quitting, the nicotine addiction grew in strength. It greatly affected my self esteem by making me feel weak and helpless. These characteristics are not part of my being. I take pride in knowing I can always face adverse situations in my life, and for those I love, with strength and determination. The opposite was true when facing my own nicotine addiction.

I realized I would have to have assistance from some professional organization. But what? The first thing I learned was that my health insurance would not cover the expense for treatment because they deemed nicotine not to be a drug. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. Although my budget is limited, I continued looking for treatment centers, in house treatment centers, because I knew for me to stop smoking I would have to have 24 hour support. I kept coming up against a wall. There were in-house treatment centers for every other addiction, (alcohol, drugs, sexual abuse, etc.) but only two possibilities for treating nicotine addiction. I found the Mayo Clinic on the internet. It was located in a nearby state. The second one was recommended by a person who received training with Murray Kelly, Director of the Tobacco Healing Centre near Ottawa. Both had an in-house treatment program.

First, I called the Mayo Clinic. During this phone conversation, I immediately became disheartened. I learned the cost was excessive, the program sounded very similar to group therapy sessions I had already attempted, the access to follow-up support was limited to a computer program, and there were some questions about the program continuing to be in existence by the time my name came up on their “waiting list”. Without much hope, I added my name to the list.

I called the second, and last one, of the list of two. A soft and gentle voice answered. I quickly shared my history of attempts in smoking cessation and my concerns for treatment with him. Professor Kelly briefly described his years of success in treating nicotine addiction. I started to feel comfortable speaking with him when he separated the addiction from me.

I was told the next 10-day treatment program would begin in about three weeks. I received phone calls during this time from Prof. Kelly. Our conversation was always personalized. He shared in greater detail, how his program worked. He listened carefully to my concerns and responded directly to them. I was beginning to feel this may truly be a possibility. I applied for a passport, just in case.

The next two weeks were geared toward getting ready for the trip. Physical preparations, such as making travel arrangements, creating an expense budget and receiving my passport were on my list. Mental preparations were more difficult. Putting myself in a situation which would not be totally under my control was extremely frightening. Fears of excessive irritability with others, of giving up after the first day of treatment, and of disappointing my family became daily adversaries. I began an internal dialogue of contradictions. I knew I was fighting for my life but I also entertained the thought of canceling at any time before I got on the plane.

The reality of fighting for my life won the argument and I did get on the plane. I arrived in Ottawa six hours later. Prof. Kelly was at the airport to welcome me. His warm smile and hug gave me the positive sign I needed. He even found me a lighter so I could have a smoke in the parking lot. We picked up some nicotine patches and an inhaler on the way to a bed and breakfast in Arnprior, about 45 minutes from the airport.

I was shown to my beautiful room by the kind owner of Kirkland House, Ellen Smith. I started seeing this adventure as a “working” vacation. It truly helped to know I would have this friendly and supportive environment for the next ten days. Before leaving for the evening, Prof. Kelly asked me if I wanted to quit tomorrow or the next day. I was a little surprised to have the choice. Without thinking much, I said tomorrow.

That night I walked downtown to a small Chinese restaurant and had dinner. I smoked all the way there and back. I got back to my room about 8:00 p.m. I tried to write in my journal and watch t.v. I grabbed my smokes and went out to the porch. All I could think about was tomorrow morning. How would I get through tomorrow morning without at least one cigarette? I smoked some more, as if I could store it up.

The morning came too soon. I stayed in bed trying to avoid that first step in my recovery. Prof. Kelly was to meet me in the dining room for breakfast at 8:00 a.m. I begrudgingly showered and got dressed. I thought, “O.K., Judy, you are fighting for your life. At least get to the breakfast table!”

The first day was rough. I followed Prof. Kelly’s advice: Medicate as needed. Smoking is not an option. I found I needed two patches that first day and frequent use of the inhaler. I still had urges but they were surprisingly manageable. I didn’t feel bad about using that many patches because I was not smoking for the first time in 44 years! I knew I could cut back on those later. I didn’t smoke for one whole day! I was ecstatic.

The first five days were dedicated to detoxing. Prof. Kelly was available at any time to listen to my fears and symptoms of withdrawal. It truly helped to have this nonjudgmental person to speak with openly.  I learned many new tools to help ease the nicotine withdrawal. Journaling my thoughts and dreams were very beneficial. Discussions, smudging, breathing techniques, good nutrition, exercise, and meditation became some of my daily activities. In other words, for the first time ever, the day was focused on my well-being.

Self-pride and inner strength was beginning to emerge. I was feeling more positive and lighter in spirit. I felt confident in winning the arguments with “the cigarette” in my mind. I knew I still had challenges ahead of me, but I felt I had tools I could easily employ. I was eager to learn more from Prof. Kelly.

For the next five days, a combination of applying the tools taught and new aspects of healing were introduced. He explained the physical changes I was having with my healing body. It was all a good sign. I believed I was making progress.

On a few of our last treatment days together, we visited an addiction treatment center in Renfrew.  It was there that I truly learned how similar my addiction battles were with others’ experiences. I witnessed, and became engaged in, a mutual respect for others in need. I learned the great lesson of how helping/listening with others can help in my own rehabilitation.

It was at one of these day-long meetings in Renfrew that Prof. Kelly generously shared his own Walk of Life with us. We each were encouraged to respond to what we had witnessed. How magnificent the human spirit! The joys and sorrows shared live with me today. I became increasingly interested in doing my own Walk of Life, but still felt guarded about my past. One gentleman expressed an interest in my doing it.

The next, and last, time came when we would meet with the wonderful men in Renfrew. The morning was focused on helping one man in particular. He is a gentle and caring man that deserves the best. I hope he realizes his struggles are also my own. Then, in the afternoon the group met and shared our progress, our doubts, our concerns, and our futures. The room was filled with genuine concern for each other. Towards the end of the discussions, I gathered enough nerve to ask if the gentleman  and others were still interested in my Walk of Life. I’ll never forget what he said. “Don’t take anything with you. This is where you can leave it!” So I did share my walk; while I was sitting. I was still resistant and was still learning how to share myself. But the sincere interest from this man, and others, in my “story” gave it value I have never experienced before. I will always be grateful to this man of kindness. I hope he realizes the tremendous load lifted from my heart that day.

Healing the whole self is the key. The addiction originally formed to serve a purpose. And as Prof. Kelly often stated, “Thank the cigarettes for getting you this far. But let them know they are killing you and they must go.” When I understood how smoking was not something “out there” affecting my life, but something I was carrying with me in the false sense of easing my life, I knew I had to break the walls. The walls, I thought that were protecting me from harm were in reality limiting my experiences to the beauty in the world and the humans inhabiting it.

With loving farewells, I returned home. My husband’s open arms told me I was back with a new future for the two of us. I was so overwhelmingly grateful for the healing powers so generously shared with me in Canada, that I cried in my husband’s arms in the airport. I didn’t care what others around us thought. It was time to express my feelings. I learned that from Murray Kelly.

Today is my 30th day without a cigarette! I’m feeling more confident than ever. When any doubts cross my thoughts, I remember this is a process. There is no such thing as failure. I remember and use all the tools taught me. I have frequent conversations with Prof. Kelly as he continues to support my progress. I see my family in a new and positive light. I look forward to my growing in spirit and am eager to share this “enlightenment” with others. Life at 60 has just begun!

My Relationship with Nicotine

Krista, Health Promotion Manager

In hindsight I guess I could say I have always had a close personal relationship with Nicotine. I am sure my mother smoked while my twin brother and I were in the womb. My father certainly did as well as many other relatives of that time. My collective unconscious is flooded with a host of ancestors who contribute to a “normal” existence with smoking. It is something that always was a part of my environment growing up. I have images of my father building lobster traps in his building with a cigarette in his mouth, taking a puff and not missing a beat, no hands needed. I remember being impressed by that and as a teenager tried to mimic it. My efforts were met with smoke in the eye and as a result burning and watery eyes; funny how that did not deter me.

As children around the age of 11 my twin and I, always a partner in crime, would steal cigarettes and sneak in the woods to smoke them. Our career was short lived and we were punished severely when we were caught. As a teenager I succumbed to peer pressure as many do and began to smoke with friends every day at school. Again my mother found out and made me sit in front of her and smoke a whole pack one after another. It was horrible; I took my nausea to the bathroom and spent the rest of the night moaning in bed. That was a deterrent for a while. I did again start to smoke and it was not until a certain boy who was a non smoker caught my eye, that I made a personal choice to not smoke. I remember the moment distinctly. I came into the cafeteria where he was sitting with all our friends and he announced that I smelled like a butt. That was the end of that…for a while.

It was not until university that I started smoking again. It was sporadic usually related to drinking. If I was around friends that smoked I smoked, if I wasn’t I don’t. I do not recall ever “croaking” for one. It was a social thing. After university there were times that I would accept a cigarette when offered one. Since I have been in the health care field I associate a feeling of shame with those incidents and make a conscious effort to not succumb to a tempting situation. It was difficult in the beginning. I find now I am exposed to a constant stream of literature, posters education regarding smoking cessation and it helps me hold strong against any passing temptations. If fact now when it happens I find it interesting to examine them, much like I would advise a client to. I can see how it is difficult to do especially if you are not ready, committed and supported.

Professionally I work two days a week facilitation information briefs about a smoking cessation program to Canadian Soldiers who want to quit smoking. In the stage of change most of who come to me are at least in the contemplation stage. They primarily need our program to gain access to free medications, however once here realize there are other tools available to enhance their quitting attempt. I really enjoy talking with people about their desire to quit. That is the one thing I see is the desire to be rid of the hold cigarettes have on them. I guess this is one of the reasons why I want to pursue formal certification, to learn more about the physiology of nicotine addiction and the best practice for success. This desire does not seem to be enough.

I also have a secret agenda as well. In addition to keeping myself strong against the tyranny of nicotine addiction, I have a husband and a father who struggle with it. In the back of my mind I feel the more I can know and the more “legitimate” my knowledge is the more clout it might have with the two of them. I know that is the individual that needs to make the steps however I also feel that being an influence can also help. So this is where I stand on the personal side.

As far as my formal education goes, I attended Acadia University from ‘94 to ‘98 in my home province of NS and graduated with a Bachelor of Recreation Management. Healthy lifestyle and positive change has been of interest to me from the beginning of my academic career. I wrote a paper in my third year on the Leisure Behaviour of Commercial Lobster Fishermen of Digby Neck. Turns out their favourite pass time was to spend time together drinking, smoking and talking shop. My father, being a part of this group also struggled and overcame alcohol addiction, so I am intimately familiar with the 12 step program as well. In 2006 I attended Dalhousie University to complete coursework need to certify as a Recreation Therapist. During that time I completed several courses that touched on addiction. A move to the West Coast and a change in career to Health Promotion furthered my interest in addictions.

In the past two years I have worked for the Canadian Forces and have been trained in addiction free living, among other pillars like nutrition, exercise, stress management, anger management, healthy relationships and suicide intervention. This is training used to deliver briefs to the CFmembers regarding policy, healthy choices and addiction. One of my tasks is to administer the Butt Out Program. This is a behaviour change program that is currently delivered in a self help format. 14 steps take an individual through development of a plan for quitting smoking. I have enclosed a copy of the booklet for your interest. This is one of my favourite tasking. I wish I had more time for it and more expertise. I find myself stuck with some clients and revert back to our program, which hardly seems adequate for those emotionally beaten by this disease.

I have seen those who come through the door and are so determined, they follow the program to a tee. Check in each week, talking positively about the changes they have made and then continuously fall off the wagon. It seems hopeless sometimes and feel there has to be a better way. I recently read In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost by Gabor Mate. He has worked tirelessly with the homeless and addicted in the Vancouver East Hastings area. It really opened my eyes to the relapse that happens and the humanity in addiction. It is so important not to judge and meet people where they are at. It is often difficult to do when the client comes back to my office 4, 5, and 6 times. I am also interested to see what Dr. Nora Volkow of the National Institute of Drug Abuse has to say. I first saw her on the HBO documentary Addiction and have been keeping my eye on her and her research ever since. She explained the use of drugs, including nicotine as maintaining the “normal”. I see in some of my clients and my husband that very powerful need to just feel normal and needing the drug to alleviate the pains of withdrawal. I really liked how she was so hopeful for recovery of the dopamine system after it had been hijacked.

I think there is a way to use the background I have in recreation therapy to supplement a treatment plan to get clients back on a healthy addition free lifestyle. I look forward to working through the TAS and hope that is brings me practical tools I can apply in helping others.

Brad, my husband was 43 in 2005 when he was diagnosed with arteriosclerosis. His doctor ordered him to quit smoking. He did, every Monday for seven years. I hated Mondays. I remember saying, “For God’s sake, quit or smoke, but stop this quitting all the time!” I had no intention of quitting because I was terrified of gaining weight—besides, he was the one with the heart problem.

Brad quit but I continued to smoke. Every day Brad would point his finger at me and say, “If I managed to quit smoking for six months, you’re quitting!” Every time I had tried to quit in the past I suffered from severe anxiety and I had no intentions of putting myself through that again. I thought, “I’ll have this beat in a couple of weeks.” I lasted three days and came to the conclusion that I was beyond help.

My denial was so great that I honestly believed I smoked one pack a day. After counting my Benson and Hedges on a daily basis for two weeks, I discovered that in fact, I was smoking two packs a day. So I went to my doctor and got started on a treatment program to stop smoking. I began to take the medication and a week later I quit smoking at midnight.

“Just don’t smoke and go to the support group,” I kept repeating to myself. The veteran groupmembers explained what was happening physically and psychologically. I needed constant reassurance that it would get better.

I had to hear what it was like when one relapsed. I had to have other people listen to my complaints and fears.

I felt exhausted and experienced a constant sense of loss—I avoided smokers for nine months, afraid that in one of my “shaky” moments I might take a cigarette.

Through all of this it wasn’t that I wanted to smoke so much as I wanted to escape from these bad feelings—and occasionally would entertain the notion that nicotine might do that.

I must remember that this addiction may be with me for a long time. I enjoy not smoking immensely.

I love the freedom to go wherever I want and not to think about it. I’m really grateful.

I’m in awe that I finally stopped smoking because for almost 30 years I didn’t think I could.

I want to thank everyone who helped me get this far. I’m so happy.

I had been on the job for only a few months as a first year counselor fresh out of graduate school with a master’s degree in education in counseling and a minor in psychology when I realized that I was hearing a similar story from many of my clients. Most of them had come from families where there had been alcoholism and consequently some form of abuse or neglect: emotional, physical, sexual, &/or spiritual – I later began to know this as trauma. I decided I needed to know more about alcoholism and the family dynamic. It was late 1988 when awareness of Adult Children of Alcoholics was taking the forefront in the 12 step program recovery movement. So, I began reading as many of the plethora of self-help books that were being published by those involved in the ACOA movement. This was my indoctrination into the dynamics of addiction and recovery.

I could identify with the information related to ACOA’s and codependency because I had been groomed by my mother to be her emotional care-taker &, though my father was not an alcoholic, he had emphysema. I realized that similar family dynamics were not only created with alcohol in the family but by any issue, problem, or circumstance that could not be openly addressed within the family (ie, a family secret). In my family the issue that could not be spoken of was the reality that my father would one day die due to the emphysema caused by his smoking for probably 30+ years and the damage from the dirt & wheat dust of “the dirty ‘30’s.” He did die when I was 15.

I began to attend some ACOA meetings, learning about the 12 steps, making application to my personal life, & moving into recovery of some long-standing issues that I had worked on in my own therapy before going to graduate school. I found my own niche in the 12 Step programs in Overeaters’ Anonymous and Alanon. I have since come to the firm belief that the 12 step concepts can be applied with positive outcome to any problem or situation in life. I particularly appreciate the spirituality of the 12 step program.

My theoretical basis of mental health therapy is in Objections Relations Theory and in Bowenian family systems. I was a proponent of family systems theory before becoming acquainted with alcoholic family dynamics. Alcoholic family system dynamics show Bowenian concepts clearly. I have also relied on Jungian concepts, believing the unconscious is key in recovery. Since the mid 1990’s, I have also incorporated many concepts and ideas from James F. Masterson’s work on treating personality disorders.

Somewhere along the way in the early years of my career, I started saying to clients: “We learn to do life in the families we grow up in.” I don’t remember if I heard that at a conference or in a workshop or if I concluded it based on something I heard, read, or experienced. This is the overall statement out of which my therapy work with clients proceeds. I take clients through a process that uncovers how they learned to do life – the traumas, the rules, the conclusions they made about themselves & others, the coping strategies they saw & developed themselves; support them in discharging the negative feelings/thoughts related to all those things, going into the grief work that is necessary to address the losses, begin to become comfortable living life with fewer burdens and negativity, finding new grounding of the reality of their authentic selves.

I have had an interest in tobacco addiction over the years as I have seen people who have done solid work in becoming stable in recovery from alcoholism and transforming their lives only to continue to be reliant in varying degrees on tobacco. I have experienced the irony of attending open AA or Alanon meetings and have the room filled with cigarette smoke while celebrating the freedom from addiction. It was forward thinking & a wise decision for many in the AA program in Amarillo, TX, when a group broke off from the Hobbs AA group and formed the first non-smoking AA & Alanon group in Amarillo, the Clean Air group.

I have noticed a difference in the quality of AA recovery between those who continued to smoke and those who either had not smoked or who were able to stop smoking at some point in their AA recovery. The non-smokers, as a general observation, seem to progress at a somewhat faster pace in getting to and through their anger, sadness, grief, trauma. I have noticed in my therapy sessions that those who quite smoking when they enter therapy move to those issues faster and are able to work them out in less time than others who continue to smoke. As a general observation, non-smokers make authentic progress in therapy faster than smokers. I often confront a smoker sharing my concern that he/she is working hard in therapy to uncover & discharge feelings/thoughts that need to be released for his/her growth and that continuing to smoke negates his/her progress. When a client can commit to not smoking 30 minutes before a session and for at least 30 minutes after a session, progress begins to pick up. The person sometimes begins to extend the non-smoking time on his/her own as positive feelings develop. Some have quit altogether.

Smoking is certainly a way of life in some families just as alcohol use, raging, compulsive eating, gambling, various forms of sexual acting out, any addiction is. Children notice how mom, dad, & other adults talk about, express, act on feelings and thoughts with the use of cigarettes. Parents are the most powerful models for children with the learnings from their modeling are wired in the brain from the moment of birth – some say from the moment of conception. Children see how their parent(s) and other adults use the cigarette itself, take a draw on it, put it out, to express emotionality directly or indirectly or to suppress emotionality. They imitate this way of dealing with emotionality, good news, bad news, thoughts that are happy & joyous, thoughts that are too painful, events that are joyous, events that are painful, anger provoking, confusing. They learn to do life with a cigarette. The tobacco addiction torch has a high probability of being passed from parent to child just as any addiction.

I did not know my dad to smoke for he quite at the end of 1954 just after I turned 1 year old. I never knew him to smoke although I did know him to be quite ready, often in a clear, no nonsense tone, & willing to tell those he saw smoking his opinion of what they were doing to their health. I don’t remember a smoky house, or clothes smelling like stale smoke, or ash trays with butts and ashes in them unless a guest had smoked. I don’t remember cigarette butts floating in water glasses. I don’t remember my eyes watering or my nose being stuffy because a parent was smoking in the house. I don’t remember curtains or the furniture smelling like stale smoke. I never was embarrassed to have friends over because of the smoky smell or the ashtrays that needed to be emptied. These are experiences children & teens of smokers contend with on a daily basis whether or not they succumb to the adult modeling.

I did experience knowing from at least age 10, although it seems I knew this long before age 10, that my daddy was not like all the other daddy’s: he couldn’t do as much as they could and that one day he would die because of his emphysema, his lungs. Even now, as I write this, after nearly 41 years, I’m in touch with that tenderhearted young girl who knew she would loose her daddy one day & she didn’t know what that would be like or what life would be like after that. It never really crossed her mind to talk with anyone about it. The family did not talk about “this elephant in the living room.” She kept this serious thought in her heart, tried to be the perfect child and student, not cause trouble. She became serious & mature for her age, focused on being helpful to others, bringing comfort to others. She became acquainted with grief. There was no place for the playful, dancing, smiling, curly headed child.

My mother remarried a smoker my freshman year in college. I experienced all the things mentioned in the preceeding paragraph after my step-dad came into the family. His addiction was complicated by an anxiety disorder that I believe was PTSD having been in the Normandy Invasion during World War II. There were times that I believe he was addicted to pain shots as well. He would not talk about his experiences in the war only to say he was scared only once: when he boarded the ship to go over and when he boarded the ship to come home. He died of emphysema, too, in 2006. Prior to my training and in my 12 step work, I was advised that a therapist needs a therapist. I have practiced that advise for the 20+ years I’ve been in this field. I know that I cannot take anyone any farther than I’ve gone. Through my own hours in the client chair, in private thought & reading, in working the 12 steps formally and informally, through allowing myself to learn from clients & to be impacted by clients, I am glad to say that the essence of my tenderhearted inner child is alive & well with me today & is a guiding force for what I consider to be my gift of being a therapist.

So, coming to the place of treating smoking addiction is a natural outcome of my past experiences. I know the ultimate toll on the addict & the family members. I know the joys & freedom of recovery.